Building Understanding: Strategies for Approaching Conflict in Your Relationship
Do you often go along with what your spouse or partner wants to avoid conflict? If so, you're not alone. Many people have a fear of conflict. But what if there were a way to meet your needs without letting resentment build up?
You might be familiar with the ways resentment can build. The little annoyances keep piling up. You've been pushing them to one side, telling yourself you're being too sensitive or that these things don't really matter. Deep down, you know your partner cares about you, yet you still avoid addressing the issues because confrontation feels so scary. But in preventing conflict, where do your needs go?
Avoiding conflict can seem sensible. But when we don't express our needs, our feelings can come out in ways we don't intend, like passive-aggressive comments or sudden bursts of anger. This can lead to unhealthy conflict, where our needs are expressed with intensity, making it hard for our partners to understand.
Remember, conflict is a normal part of any relationship. It's okay to admit when you're frustrated because your needs aren't met. Healthy conflict can lead to deeper connections and growth. For a relationship to thrive, it's essential that both partners feel heard and understood.
“If you don’t decide what you need, someone else may end up deciding for you—possibly in a way that doesn’t truly align with your needs. Taking that step to decide for yourself can feel empowering and bring you closer to what feels right.”
Why do people avoid conflict?
You may avoid conflict in your intimate relationships for several reasons:
Fear of Harm: You worry that conflict may harm the relationship, or hurt your partner's feelings—potentially leading to a breakdown of trust or emotional closeness.
Fear of rejection: You fear disappointing your partner, or being abandoned by them. As a result, you find it easier to go along with what they want, even if it means suppressing their own needs or desires.
Past experiences: If you experienced damaging conflicts, you might avoid all conflicts in your current relationship to prevent reliving those experiences.
Desire for Peace: You prioritize harmony in relationships and believe avoiding conflict is the best way to maintain peace.
·Uncertainty: You may be unsure about your partner's response, so you see the need to avoid conflict to prevent potential negative consequences.
Communication Skills: If you or your partner don't know how to navigate conflict, you may choose to avoid it altogether.
Starting to improve communication may seem overwhelming, but taking the first step is essential. Sometimes, it is just about taking that leap and trying to do things differently. One strategy is to start by telling your partner how difficult this is and sharing parts of the above outline you can relate to.
For example, I might want to say, “It scared me when I heard you using a harsh tone.” But you’re afraid your partner will get angry or upset if you bring it up.
(If you're in a relationship where your partner often yells at you or reacts with intimidation, it’s essential to know that communication looks different in emotionally abusive dynamics. In those cases, the usual tools for healthy conflict don’t apply. I recommend checking out Love is Respect—they offer resources for recognizing unhealthy patterns and figuring out what safety and support can look like.)
Here is an exercise I created based on the principles of Nonviolent Communication.
First, get a piece of paper and divide it into three columns:
Column One: List things you would like your partner to change.
For example: “You don’t pick up your dirty clothes off the bedroom floor.” “You stare at your phone while I try to talk to you.”
Column Two: How do you feel when these things happen?
For example: “Putting your clothing on the floor makes me feel like you expect me to pick it up.” “When you stare at your phone, it makes me feel unloved.”
Column Three: What do you need?
For example: “Please put the dirty clothing in the hamper at the end of the day.” “Please put your phone away when we eat or spend quality time together.”
Set Aside Time: Carve out regular, distraction-free time (no cell phones!) to talk about concerns and feelings and check in with one another. Start with one or two items from your list.
Here is an example of this in action using the Nonviolent Communication model.
Also, keep in mind these strategies for effective communication.
Use “I” statements: To keep the focus on your feelings and concerns, try starting with "I" instead of "you." This can help avoid blame and prevent the other person from feeling defensive or shut down.
Be empathetic: Try to see things from your partner’s perspective, even if you disagree. Empathy builds trust, safety, connection, and deeper understanding.
Keep calm, not heated. It is impossible to talk or listen to someone that is yelling. If you need to pause, that is better than raising your voice. If the other person is yelling, ask them to stop or take a break.
Nonverbal Communication: Some people express a lot through body language. Pay attention to tone, stance, and facial expression. Remember, letting your partner know what you see and how it impacts you is okay.
Avoid Blame: Try to avoid blaming others. It is better to focus on the problem. For example, rather than stating, "I nearly tripped. You are trying to kill me when you leave your shoes in the hallway.” you might say, "I nearly tripped, and it made me scared I would get hurt. I need you to put your shoes somewhere else.
“When you learn to communicate your needs as requests and receive positive responses, you build trust in others and yourself. This leads to feeling more authentic, less afraid, and more open and honest with your loved ones. It also builds closeness, mutual understanding, and less conflict! ”
Change can be challenging, but the potential benefits make it worthwhile. We all need to be heard, understood, and supported. Improving communication with a partner is an ongoing process, and hopefully, these tips have encouraged you to start that journey.
Please contact me for a consultation if you'd like more personalized support. One of my specializations is helping individuals focus on building better boundaries in their relationships.
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